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DEAR DEXTER:
HELP!!!!! I've got a
chick coming over and need to impress her and all I have for mood music is
"Do the Dexter Shark." After I've played that about 9 times, what
music would work to get her open to my advances????
DEXTER
SHARK'S ADVICE:
Follow my music
with the
next best thing - Sinatra. Some say it's unfair to use romance to seduce a
chick, but not me.
DEAR
DEXTER:
I have a
problem. It seems whenever I go to bars I fall in love with the
waitress and want to marry her. Its not just bars, even when I go to
Denny's at 3:00 a.m. after the bars close I fall in love with the
waitresses there. I proposed to one last night in fact, her name is
Anastasia. What is wrong with me Dexter? Please don't tell me that I
have a problem with alcohol. I don't.
signed,
A Player who
wants to remain one
DEXTER
SHARK'S ADVICE:
Dear Player:
Oh WOW! I
know EXACTLY what you mean!
If you're
anything like me, to have a woman ask you what you want - bring it
to you - give you a big smile - make sure you're happy -- it's
heaven, isn't it?
But you only
get that treatment from waitresses!
Marry them
and they are no longer waitresses. They're wives! And then they want
more, more, more....
I have a
friend who's married and his wife expects HIM to wait on HER
sometimes. She gets all upset if he leaves his underwear and socks
on the floor... It's a nightmare!
We've got to
learn from these married guys, Buddy! Stay a player, Buddy!
As my dear
mother always said: "No one's gonna pick up your clothes from
the floor like I do, little Dexter."
Stay a
player, Buddy. STAY A PLAYER!
PS: Alcohol?
What's a PROBLEM with Alcohol?
DEAR
DEXTER:
Okay,
Dexter--I'm in a pickle. I'm married and my husband loves me very,
very much. This is nice except I'm not in love with him so much any
more. You know what I mean? It's like the fire has been whooshed
out--el finito. Now I've fallen head over heels in love with a much,
much younger man who doesn't give two whoops about me.
Except if he even blinked--I'd be outta here in a New York minute.
Dexter, please tell me why marriage is such a stale affair. I am
pining, literally pining for this guy who doesn't want me and I
don't give two whoops in hell for the guy that does.
What gives here? You're a single guy--spill the beans. Please?
Your number one fan
DEXTER
SHARK'S ADVICE:
Dear
Fan:
You
women are hard to understand. All you want to do is marry some poor
sap and when the deal is cinched -- you dump him. You deprived a guy
of his freedom and then you want yours. Is there anyone out there
who wonders why I am a "Single Man?"
PS
I love divorced women! I could show you a really good time. Please
email your name and phone number to me.
DEAR
DEXTER:
What kind of
a car do you drive? I can't decide between a 1966 Pontiac Catalina
convertible or a 1965 Ford Galaxy. Which is more of the babe magnet
in your opinion? I personally like the Galaxy better but the
interior of the Catalina matches my favorite Hawaiian shirt better.
Anxiously
awaiting your advice,
Another
Single Guy
DEXTER
SHARK'S ADVICE:
Dear Another
Single Guy:
I drive a red
Mustang convertible.
I think
you're on the right track with the Pontiac convertible. Babes always
go for color coordination, a Hawaiian shirt, and convertibles -
trust me. It has taken me years to learn this subtle stuff.
Always glad
to help out a pal.
Dex
DEAR
DEXTER:
Okay, Dex,
baby, I understand your career is on the line unless you start
getting more queries. Answer me this, Dex. Why is it that I can be
lovable when nobody sees me; why is that they drool after me and
want me; then, when one of 'em finally snags me and weds me, I'm
like yesterday's old news?
What is it with this marriage game? They haunt you until you say
yes; they promise you the heaven, moon and stars. And, once you say,
"okay--not much doin' this weekend--sure, let's get
married." Why oh why, Dex, do they stop lovin' you? Why is sex
mediocre at best? Oh, Dexter Shark, why can't more men be just like
you? Huh? answer me this before I go completely insane.
Love, an ardent fan who is about to shrivel up and die
Life on this planet without you Dex would be no life at all. . .
simply no life at all.
DEXTER
SHARK'S ADVICE:
Dear
Ardent Fan:
Boy,
you're really weird. Do I know you? Are you cute? How old are you?
Please respond to these questions and include your name, address and
phone number.
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