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advice from a single man
Dexter Shark’s hit song
Dexter’s song, “Do the Dexter Shark,” is highly recommended as a confidence builder for single men, but women like it too.
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Download · 1.4 megs Hear the original, 2000Dear Dexter
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Dear Mr. Shark: I found some suspenders at my house. Are they yours? Please help. Lucy Goosey
Dear Ms. Goosey It's not possible - I would have remembered wearing suspenders. (Editors Note: We think it is illegal for anyone under the age of 18 to correspond with Dexter Shark.)
I came in late the other night and my girlfriend got very upset. Are their (sic) any standard responses that work well at 4:30 a.m. when your babe is screaming "Where the hell have you been?"
Dear Anonymous: Girlfriend? Sounds like a wife to me, Pal. My standard response is: "If you don't quit screaming I'm never going to marry you." I find it's a good indicator of a babe's patience.
Dear Mr. Shark, I asked this Mr. Ease fella a question which he tried to answer but didn't. He must not have understood me. You see, my cousin Floyd told me that if you put a Ford motor in a Chevy and then take the Chevy motor and put it in the Ford then they'll both go faster. Floyd said that it's been proved. I asked Mr. Ease if this was true and he told me to just drive faster, I think. You see that is what I'm getting at. We both want to drive faster. Women want to be seen with a fella in a fast truck. That is why we are fixing to swap our motors. Will swapping our motors make our trucks faster to attract more women? Billy
P.S. I wanted to ask you this question the first time, but my Cousin Floyd told me to ask Mr. Ease. [Frankly viewers, we haven't the foggiest idea what Billy & his cousin Floyd are talking about. Perhaps you do. If so, please give them some Dexter Shark-type advice and we will pass it on. TuleVision, Billy & his cousin Floyd will be grateful.]
HELP!!!!! I've got a chick coming over and need to impress her and all I have for mood music is "Do the Dexter Shark." After I've played that about 9 times, what music would work to get her open to my advances????
Follow my music with the next best thing - Sinatra. Some say it's unfair to use romance to seduce a chick, but not me.
I have a problem. It seems whenever I go to bars I fall in love with the waitress and want to marry her. Its not just bars, even when I go to Denny's at 3:00 a.m. after the bars close I fall in love with the waitresses there. I proposed to one last night in fact, her name is Anastasia. What is wrong with me Dexter? Please don't tell me that I have a problem with alcohol. I don't. signed, A Player who wants to remain one
Dear Player: Oh WOW! I know EXACTLY what you mean! If you're anything like me, to have a woman ask you what you want - bring it to you - give you a big smile - make sure you're happy -- it's heaven, isn't it? But you only get that treatment from waitresses! Marry them and they are no longer waitresses. They're wives! And then they want more, more, more.... I have a friend who's married and his wife expects HIM to wait on HER sometimes. She gets all upset if he leaves his underwear and socks on the floor... It's a nightmare! We've got to learn from these married guys, Buddy! Stay a player, Buddy! As my dear mother always said: "No one's gonna pick up your clothes from the floor like I do, little Dexter." Stay a player, Buddy. STAY A PLAYER! PS: Alcohol? What's a PROBLEM with Alcohol?
Okay, Dexter--I'm in a pickle. I'm married and my husband loves me very, very much. This is nice except I'm not in love with him so much any more. You know what I mean? It's like the fire has been whooshed out--el finito. Now I've fallen head over heels in love with a much, much younger man who doesn't give two whoops about me. Except if he even blinked--I'd be outta here in a New York minute. Dexter, please tell me why marriage is such a stale affair. I am pining, literally pining for this guy who doesn't want me and I don't give two whoops in hell for the guy that does. What gives here? You're a single guy--spill the beans. Please? Your number one fan
Dear Fan: You women are hard to understand. All you want to do is marry some poor sap and when the deal is cinched -- you dump him. You deprived a guy of his freedom and then you want yours. Is there anyone out there who wonders why I am a "Single Man?" PS I love divorced women! I could show you a really good time. Please email your name and phone number to me.
What kind of a car do you drive? I can't decide between a 1966 Pontiac Catalina convertible or a 1965 Ford Galaxy. Which is more of the babe magnet in your opinion? I personally like the Galaxy better but the interior of the Catalina matches my favorite Hawaiian shirt better. Anxiously awaiting your advice, Another Single Guy
Dear Another Single Guy: I drive a red Mustang convertible. I think you're on the right track with the Pontiac convertible. Babes always go for color coordination, a Hawaiian shirt, and convertibles - trust me. It has taken me years to learn this subtle stuff. Always glad to help out a pal. Dex
Okay, Dex, baby, I understand your career is on the line unless you start getting more queries. Answer me this, Dex. Why is it that I can be lovable when nobody sees me; why is that they drool after me and want me; then, when one of 'em finally snags me and weds me, I'm like yesterday's old news? What is it with this marriage game? They haunt you until you say yes; they promise you the heaven, moon and stars. And, once you say, "okay--not much doin' this weekend--sure, let's get married." Why oh why, Dex, do they stop lovin' you? Why is sex mediocre at best? Oh, Dexter Shark, why can't more men be just like you? Huh? answer me this before I go completely insane. Love, an ardent fan who is about to shrivel up and die Life on this planet without you Dex would be no life at all. . . simply no life at all.
Dear Ardent Fan: Boy, you're really weird. Do I know you? Are you cute? How old are you? Please respond to these questions and include your name, address and phone number. Go ahead ask me - I can help. Sing along my theme song to build your confidence. Wow the babes with my dance steps .
Legal notice
Tulevision will not accept liability for the results of any action taken by viewers who receive Dexter Shark’s Advice From a Single Man. Viewers are advised to consider the source of said advice (i.e., Dexter Shark). Furthermore, minors (people under the age of 18 years) are especially advised to ignore any advice Dexter Shark may give anyone. Tulevision advises minors that a parent or guardian has a better handle on the realities of life than Mr. Shark.
Wow the babes
Put your left foot right and incessantly repeat steps 1 - 5 while waving your arms wildly above your head!
Now you’re doing the Dexter!
[Editor’s note: Tulevision.com accepts no responsibility whatsoever for any injuries incurred by viewers who attempt to follow these steps at home. It may very well be that Dexter Shark is the only person capable of the contortions illustrated above.]
Everyone needs advice from a single man
At some point in their lives, everyone needs advice from a single man — even women. Dexter may be out to lunch or on a date depending on the time of day, but we are sure he will work on the answer just as soon as he returns.
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