The Daily Astonisher - Poley the Clown's Clips

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The latest internet insider information.

Special "Show Case" Edition

Editorial

   Since 1999, Tulevision viewers have had the opportunity to enjoy the antics, arrests and general bad behavior of Poley the Clown.
   In response, Tulevision viewers have voted to banish him from the Tulevision website.
   Below, Tulevision pays tribute to the fallen clown with a trip down memory lane via Poley the Clown's Internet Press Clippings:

CLOWN CLAIMS ILLNESS THWARTS HUMOR
By a Tulevision Times Staff Book Reviewer
The opening line of Poley the Clown's latest autobiography, Society's Crying Shame is: "I've been stricken and it's not funny."
This sentence would also serve as a accurate review of this so-called "bookumentary," the third in a series of the clown's autobiographies.

POLEY'S FIRST ARREST (2/20/00)
By a Staff Reporter
   A sobbing Poley the Clown was escorted by police from a luncheon being held Friday in the Tulevision staff lounge to celebrate Alger Tule's 101st birthday party.
   Fellow Tulevision employees tried to comfort the distraught entertainer as police loaded the unicycle involved in the reckless driving charge onto their van.
   "The truth about this will be published in my new autobiography, "The Sad Life of a Clown," screamed the Clown, a self-described autobiographer.
   When questioned for details of the charge, a Tuleberg County Sheriff's Deputy on the scene said the department was "sick and tired of the publicity-seeking website nutcakes disturbing the peace."

DOT-COM CLOWN VINDICATED! (2/26/00)
Clown Shows I.D.
"Once I showed them my unicycle operator's license the authorities realized the right thing to do was release me," said Poley the Clown.
That was the clown's only printable comment to the press about his reckless driving arrest and subsequent confinement for "observation" in the Tuleberg County Jail last week.

Tulevision Viewer Poll Cruel? (7/10/00)
"There is nothing to be gained except hurt feelings," was the response from The Eye to the proposed Tulevision Poll on whether Poley the Clown has any fans. Staffers at the website unanimously voted to drop the poll after her comment.

EMPLOYEES DAMAGE STAFF LOUNGE (10/1/00)
By a Staff Reporter
   Demanding that their proposed Tulevision stock options be renegotiated into hard cash, the cast and crew at the Tulevision website caused structural damage to the Staff Lounge in the Tulevision compound.
    After an emotionally charged exchange of ideas between Bob "Money Boy" Nichols and Chill D. Boy (the two men are not related), followers of both camps were encouraged to "make an impact" by Poley the Clown who also advised, "tear down the walls, Mr. Tule!"
   According to internet insiders, the Tulevision employees displayed their dissatisfaction by applying hammers (left lying around the lounge by renovation workmen) to the interior walls of the lounge.
   Growing disgruntlement and increased tension at the burgeoning dot.com has been attributed to the new "mean" direction espoused by its founder Alger Tule, particularly in a new feature called vote, in which Tulevision viewers are invited to vote to banish website employees who have, for some reason or another, fallen out of favor.
   There is gossip in certain Internet inner circles that at the root of the new activist image adopted by the site's mascot, Poley the Clown, is his position in the voting. The clown is leading in the voting to banish with 37.5% of the votes. As the Daily Astonisher went to press, there were no votes to keep him at the website. The main reason given by viewers voting to fire Poley has been, "He's just not funny anymore."

VOTES ARE IN: POLEY THE CLOWN IS BANISHED! FIRED! (10/9/00)
By a Staff Reporter
A stricken clown with a suitcase full of balloons quietly picked up his unicycle, opened the door of the Tulevision compound, gave some of the employees a small wave, made a face and a hand signal at others and left the website for good on Sunday. Poley the Clown was the victim of a viewer vote held last week to banish its least-popular employee.
Tulevision will run a memorial retrospective and belated tribute on the website for the fallen clown later in the week. It will feature Daily Astonisher clippings of Poley the Clown's antics and arrests.

UNFORTUNATE PARADE FOR BANISHED CLOWN (10/16/00)
By a Staff Reporter
   A small group of frightened children lined Tuleberg Highway last Friday to observe a tribute parade for Poley the Clown, the legendary Tulevision.com mascot.
   The parade was advertised on the local CNN cable station as an opportunity for families to share quality time at a "child-pleasing event." The advertisement was paid for by the Tulevision.com website (purportedly as part of a severance package demanded by the infamous internet clown).
   Instead of balloons, confetti and the Tulevision cast & crew, the crowd observed a sad, angry clown riding a unicycle, gesticulating with a finger at the gathered families.
   "We at Tulevision are sorry that anyone thought the ads were fraudulent advertising. We believed there would be more to the parade than Poley the Clown riding down the street on his unicycle yelling obscenities," explained Bob "Money Boy" Nichols, CEO of the Tulevision Commerce Department, acting as the website's spokesman at a hastily-called press conference near the website's compound. "Poley wasn't very popular with Tulevision viewers. The viewers voted to banish him from the website."

Below, we have included the only email ever sent to Poley during his employment at the TuleVision website:

"So you thought I couldn't track you down, huh clown? You thought you could abandon me, saddling me with the big mortgage on the boat, and I wouldn't be able to find you? Well, guess again Poley!!!! I will hunt you down wherever you go... to whatever job.... so, just keep looking over your shoulder, clown, because I'll be there with a seltzer bottle, just waiting...
(the nurse is coming so I have to sign off for now.. but I'll be back....)"